*This is an archived post from my first
blog Smile, Sugar. It got a lot of praise, so I want to repost it here. This post was originally written and shared in spring 2016.*
A confession:
I love makeup.
This is a bit about myself I
never wanted to admit. You see, liking makeup isn’t something I can simply
acknowledge and go about with my business. Oh no - saying I like makeup is the
antithesis of the insecure views I once clutched to like they were my lifeline.
It’s no secret I used to the
think I was ugly. Like, my day got a little worse every time I looked in the
mirror ugly. Like, please to don’t look at me ugly. Like, can I disappear
forever ugly. Like, no one would ever love me ugly.
Desperate to be beautiful and
loved, I thought makeup could be my cure - I would be okay if learned how to
line my eyes and apply lipstick like the girls in movies and shows. When I was
in 7th grade, my mom took a classmate and I out shopping where this other young
girl guided me in the ways of makeup. She helped me pick out a powder, a blush,
a mascara, and a few other pieces. We then went back to my house where she
taught me how to put it all on. The next few days at school, I honestly felt
pretty.
However, the makeup began to make me feel worse than I already did. I didn’t
actually look that way. I loved that I felt pretty with it, but when the makeup
came off and I saw my face again in the mirror, it was a sticky spoonful of
sadness. I began to reject the makeup, only wearing it occasionally.
I thought if I wore makeup, I was
a liar. It was better for me to be honest about my perceived ugliness instead
of trying to hide it. I decided out of self-righteousness I was better than
other girls who wore it because they were clearly fake. They were insecure and
couldn’t bear to go about in the world without painting on their lies. The
beautiful faces that surrounded me weren’t real and it was their fault I felt
bad about myself. It was them and their makeup that were the problem, not me.
Soo… imagine how strange I felt
as I became more confident and grew an increasing desire to wear makeup.
Awkward much?
My world view became disoriented.
I was starting to like myself: I smiled when I looked in the mirror, and there
wasn’t this throbbing phantom ache inside me. I mean, I was starting to linger
in front of my reflection because have
you seen this cutie??
How could I feel so good about
myself yet want to wear makeup?
I got a little perspective on how
confident people use makeup when I saw this video from
Anna Akana. In her video, Anna relates makeup to psychological traits and
behaviors. She calls eye shadow optimism, foundation balance, and blush
kindness. These cute alterations are impactful in shifting one’s understanding
of makeup. For someone like myself who had demonized it so much, it made me
view it in a wholly positive way. How can a girl touching up her kindness be
bad?
I began to learn that makeup
wasn’t what I thought it was. Makeup was and is a form of expression and the
extension of self. When you put it on, you aren’t putting on a mask – you are
extending yourself, putting your personality and who you are on your face. I
can be delicate, intense, quirky, adventurous, classic, bold, and anything I
want to be. I can be a classic babe teasing my words through red lips or a porcelain
doll with long-lashed eyes and pinked cheeks. All these facets of myself
can be fully expressed with the help of makeup.
While I was never actually ugly,
my thoughts were. I was full of anger and sadness and hurt, and it showed in
how I presented myself. I was only ugly because it was how I felt. It was on me
to realize nothing outside of myself was going to make me happy - no amount of
makeup could cover me up and hide what I thought about myself. When my thoughts
became beautiful, I realized I was beautiful. Makeup is just a way to enhance
it and express myself like wearing a pretty outfit.
There are people in the world who
will want to be vicious about a person’s choice to wear makeup. As seen in My
Pale Skin’s video You Look Disgusting, people will be cruel either way. When
I apply my balance, optimism, and kindness, I have to know it is for myself,
not others. I am doing it for expression, not beauty, because I already am
beautiful.
While I'm still not slaying with
cat eyes or contour, I'm a happy work-in-progress. I celebrate days where I go
natural and days where I doll myself up. Both are representative of me. Now
excuse me, I need to go touch up my kindness.
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