Now Accepting Boyfriend Applications

"Drink that love / It's like a habit
Feeling like a savage / You know I gotta have it"

Young Robot, Dance Gavin Dance

Pro tip: this post is entirely a joke, Please take it as such. Thanks bby

Details

Position: Boyfriend, Bae

Job-type: Full-time

Salary: Many kisses 

Skills and Experience

♡  Have a general knowledge of how to function like a basic human being: cook, clean, laundry, take care of yourself, etc. The ush.

♡  Smell nice. I can’t think of anything sexier than a guy that smells good (hold up, see point one). You can show up to our first date totes casual, smelling yummy af and I’ll rave to my squad about how hot you were because MY GOD YOU SHOULD HAVE SMELLED HIM.

♡  Cats, man. You really gotta be down with cats for this work. I like dogs, but cats.

♡  Dudes with beards > dudes without beards. I’m totes shallow for this one, but everyone has preferences, okay?

The Day-to-Day

♡  Feed me and tell me I’m pretty. There is a timing factor to this. Yes, tell me I’m pretty as I’m holding your arm and we’re walking down the street to the restaurant of our choice. Don’t tell me I’m pretty as I’m loading up my mouth with gyoza. We’ll both know you’re lying.

♡  Don’t argue with me when I show you a pair of high heels I want to buy because no, they are nothing like that other pair of shoes I have; the shades are completely different and the style is too

♡  The same goes for lipstick. They are totally different colors and I need both.

♡  Lemme massage your feet. But, like, totally not in a foot fetish way. You have to be wearing fresh sock because they’re still feet and I don’t want to put my hands all up on straight feet.

♡  Massage my feet; foot fetish optional.

♡  Actually, massage me in general??? I’m a busy girl who gets all kinds of achy.

♡  I like being touched, and I like touching. I’m bound to have a hand on you or want you to have a hand on me.

♡  This whole where do you want to eat business. I need you to work with me on this one. It’s much easier if we start with saying what we don’t want. Oh, you don’t want tacos, I won’t suggest a taco place. It’ll make things so much easier, man.

♡  I make a lot of weird noises. I don’t know why and they kinda just come out of me. Just… go with it.

Some Reality

♡  I’m totally into guys with emotional baggage.

♡  I will come find you and say, “I need you.” I’m not making an advance on you; I just need you to reach something for me.

♡  Bruh, straight up, I’m hella weird about PDA. I want you to hold my hand and have your arm around me, but, like, anything more than a lil peck kiss is gonna have me 50 shades of distressed. I might have a stroke if I sit on your lap with people around.

♡  If I’m cooking something that requires mustard, be ready to taste it. I vibe with mustard.

♡  I’m this beautifully paradoxical blend of total snob and worthless piece of garbage.

♡  When I’m upset, I won’t talk to you because I’m mentally processing exactly why I’m upset and figuring out how to articulate it to you. Once I have an idea of what to say, I’m going to hunt you down and we’re having a conversation.

♡  I’m kind of a 1950’s housewife about chocolate. I like the nice stuff. Mama won’t be satisfied with some cheap ol’ Hershey bar. Truffles with soft centers and molten lava cakes are my particular weakness. I don’t crave chocolate too much though – only about once a month.

Benefits

♡  I have a nice butt. You can touch it.

♡  I really, honestly want to cook for you. I’m too lazy and not good enough at math to figure out how to scale down all the recipes I find on Pinterest, so they’re just chillin’ there waiting to be made. So, I mean, help a girl out.

♡  I pole dance. I’m assuming the benefits of this are self-explanatory, but let me spell it out: private show.

♡  I’m small and easy to carry when I’m not panicking that I’ve been lifted off the ground and go full on deadweight instead of helping support myself.

♡  While I consider myself a highly qualified little spoon, I have dabbled in the art big spoonery. My experience is limited, but I am enthusiastic about continuing my education. 

If you're interested in the position of Boyfriend, call me. 😉